An eight step guide for showing up when friends and family are depressed
I am a depressive. I have endured three severe episodes of depression over the last year and countless moderate ones in between. These usually involve one to three weeks of being unable to make myself eat or wash or get out of bed. My personality up and leaves and any scrap of energy or positivity I do find often vanishes after an hour or so as my brain struggles to support itself or maintain steady moods.
Whatever my mental illness might tell me otherwise, I do, as we all do, have family and friends who deeply care, even if they don’t quite understand what i’m going through. It is incredibly hard to watch someone you love battle with depression. Mental illness is sadly still so misunderstood and severely lacking in our every day conversations. We're not educated in mental health at school and those depicted in films and the media are often sensationalised and do not show the typical afflictions that 1 in 4 of us will suffer at some point in any given year. It comes as no surprise that when faced with mental illness for the first time it can be incredibly hard to understand what’s happening.
From someone who's been there, doubting whether i'd make it through one day to the next, I wanted to write something of a care package not only for myself and my loved ones, but for anyone else out there who may be facing major depression. If you know you're prone to prolonged bouts of low mood, maybe you could forward it on to family and friends as something of an 'emergency plan' for the next time you could do with a helping hand. And if you are that friend or family member, read on for the eight pointers I believe to be crucial in helping someone you love through a depressive episode:
Don’t wait to be asked
When obsessive negative thoughts take control over all semblance of rationality, practicality and logic, it can be incredibly hard for a depressed person to reach out, even though they will likely already know this is the most beneficial thing they can do to help themselves. When I find myself in these depressive episodes my thoughts tell me friends are just saying they care when in reality they don’t, and don't want their daily lives interrupted by me and my pathetic problems. I've even been known to invent scenarios in which i'm certain people are angry at me (of course, they never are). If you suspect someone might be depressed, extend a hand. Often that's all they could wish for.
Understand how hard it is to reach out
If your loved one has approached you this means you must truly be a trust-worthy confidante. This is no mean feat, as opening up about your issues is one of the most difficult things about having a mental illness. Self-stigma exists just as much as societal stigma.
Depression is debilitating, it takes away and it lies. It may seem simple enough in your mind to turn to the person beside you and say "I need someone to lean on" but put yourself in this same situation, especially if you've never experienced depression before. Imagine that not only are you exhausted and consumed in negative thoughts and low self-esteem but you're overcome with self-doubt and find yourself in a new depth of self-loathing. That is what depression feels like. Now does it seem so easy to ask for help?
Research how it feels to be depressed
I cannot recommend this enough. If I had a number one tip it would be this. I have spent more of my time when severely depressed or anxious educating others about mental health than I have on taking care of myself. I cannot blame those around me as I know these questions come from a place of wanting to understand but in all honesty, this really slows down my recovery. I can barely explain it to myself so when I (inevitably) fail to word it in a way that my loved ones can understand, this only reinforces the negative thought cycle of "I'm a failure, i'm not good enough, no one understands me, i'm never going to get through this".
Mental illness is complex. There are so many strands and symptoms and will effect everyone differently. Spend an hour or two, a whole evening if you can spare it (for a loved one, you can), googling the shit out of mental health. Below are three of my personal favourite resources:
* Mental Movement Magazine - a host of first-hand accounts on various strains of mental illness from those who've been there
* MIND - UK based mental health charity with an A-Z of mental health, info and support, and where to find local services
* The Blurt Foundation - specialising in increasing awareness and the understanding of depression, the Blurt Foundation reads less like a resource and more like your best mate trying to give you a hug.
If reading's not your thing then you could simply search #mentalhealth, #mentalhealthsupport or #mentalhealthsymptoms on instagram. There are some AWESOME illustrations and memes out there that explain all this super clearly. After all, a picture says a thousand words.
Cancel all non-vital obligations on their behalf
Perhaps the most important part of early recovery for a person in this debilitating state is to remove all life pressures. The aim is to discourage any unnecessary feelings of guilt, shame and future-planning and instead get your loved one to focus simply on getting through the day.
In that first week of deep depression in particular, I can only manage the most minimal of activities - reading, watching (mostly sleeping through) films, taking excessive naps. The kind of obligations they'll be feeling guilty about and dreading facing will be things like having to organise sick leave from work and re-arranging that dentist appointment they only managed to negotiate after a cancellation. Even Dad's birthday present that's set up home in the local delivery office after already waiting for a week to be collected.
Ask your loved one about any non-vital plans they've made for the week or better yet, take a look at their calendar. Check the house for any bills that need paying. If there are any phone calls you can make or errands to run that’ll lessen the burden, complete them yourself, even if this means explaining to your loved one's boss that they'll be in touch themselves next week but can't quite manage it right now.
Make decisions for them
A depressive's brain is a murky fog of dizziness, exhaustion and emptiness. Getting out of bed or off the sofa requires the biggest of efforts. If you're going to cook for them (advisable), don't ask if they want their eggs scrambled or fried. They won't be able to tell you - just pick one! Instead of asking if they'd like you to run them a bath, just do it (showering when depressed is unknowingly hard so chances are, they could do with a wash!)
They know what’s best for them
A depressive will struggle to articulate their wants or feelings but likelihood is they sure as hell know more about their mental illness and what they need than you do. As long as what they're saying doesn't involve something that will hurt them, you, or other, just go with it. If they want to lay in the dark under the covers, get in there with them. Most of the time, depressives just want to be shown (not told) that they are not alone.
Create a no-judgement zone
Your loved one may not leave the house for a week. They may choose to sleep on the sofa instead of in their bed. I know I said earlier that you should cook for them and run them a bath, (that still stands) but if they then decide not to take the bath, don't walk about the house ranting about what a waste of hot water it is. Your loved one will be feeling guilty enough as it is so remove all notes of "I think you should..." and "Why don't you..." from your conversations. There's a fine line between ensuring they complete the basics and telling them what to do.
Ask “what can I do for you right now?”
Your loved one may not be able to answer this one but it's the only question you should be asking. The answer will, inevitably, be to simply be there.